im feeling very blue. what have i achieved for the past 2 yrs? nth. maybe only thing to be proud of is just getting to sslc, n best trainee, even so i feel a bit paiseh saying that cos it didnt cost much effort. other than that, i dun think theres anything that is worth celebrating about. i gained a few gd friends, lost a few. doing duty at tower just made me think n reflect more than ever. i feel tired. i dun feel like going out. i dun feel like watching tv. i dun even feel like eating. i dun feel like doing anything i used to like to do.
fri paid 50 bucks mahjong debt. not feeling the pain. sat kbox - no feel. nvr sing much, thanks maurice anw, keep trying to cheer me up. night mario bdae dinner - not much mood to eat either. spent some bucks on his cake his present, well he treated us dinner, then i owe jiaqing 5 bucks for taxi suddenly? when was the last time we shared cab? i din even bother to recall or ask nvm. couldnt bother. after dinner wander around, to chinatown to zhizhang hse, in the end i still pangseh la when on the north east train. really no mood. i usually wont do this. haiz
not in mood for anything... even the japan trip! ...... canot canot...
every1 start to feel less enthu about the japan trip... but i still feel like going, i need to see something new, something different, something that is out of here.
now i look back my 2 years.
i have changed ba i guess. i used to be very obsessed with what other ppl say n think about me, want to be well liked by everyone, maybe i still am, but guess im less of that already. being a spec n the ic n a sect com, yea its inevitable i have to make some unpopular decision or do things that will cause misery in others and thats when ppl gossip behind u and do stuffs. well, as long as im doing the right thing. im trying very hard to care less. n i guess i have improved over the years.
sometimes i feel very tired, the role i play in many different cliques from sec to jc. i play de playful chatty gossipy character... but i just hate awkward situations, so i usually voluntary take up this role. Now this is the image i portrayed myself almost everywhere, in front of almost everyone. sometimes its really tiring to be always acting. i just want to be myself. but theres no reason for being emo in front of long time no see friends, they ask u wat happen, u cant say anything to them either. so its back to acting.
lucky i still have a few very close friends with me where i can be myself and vomit all my troubles at.
isit because im gonna ord? friends i made in ns... i can no longer be able to stay as close to them. i may have only gained a few gd friends that i think we might still stay in contact after many years. maybe. partly why m i feeling sad.
going to be jobless soon. without an aim. without purpose. worried. suddenly realise even after my tertiary education, its going to be jus work work save save work work n ... work. even worse, feeling hopeless for the future.
still single. every1 else around me is attached, even my brothers.
today's meeting with molly they all, suddenly realises that we are all growing up. talking about some joint tuition program where i shot in some advices n concerns mainly monetary. Then it spiraled out to be some heated never ending argument. lucky there was yongwei, pulled back n controlled the situation. Its not that i dunwan to be part of it, maybe im selfish, maybe i jus think the plan is flawed, maybe its both. but nevertheless i think its a good experience. Duno why, i already foresee this group of us quarreling over business or money in future. True no business gets profit the first few months. but this is just a minute sum of money, and no one is desperate for cash and its already happening, what will happen if its larger scale, if that money is very crucial for anyone?
so i think its best for me to just stay out n observe.
just mahjong again. one of my hobbies. totally no mood also. tmr my brothers will be taking their o level results. really hope they can do well. give me a reason to be joyful.
so alot of things contributed to the me feelign very down these few days. maybe its because of what ***y said that set me thinking. yea i think thats one of the reasons too. but lucky im nt in as bad of a situation as ***y. i hope i wont have to go there.
i hope this emo period will past soon. cos i dun like the emo me.
i need a new beginning.
29 days left.